There are a lot of, let’s say, slacker reviews out there.
You know the type: “Great place! Will come again.” Thanks, but that doesn’t help me at all!
Then there’s the complaint about that one coldish panini or how the coffee there is a rip-off at $.50 more than Starbucks.
Although I am only a Level 7 Local Guide, which, if we were playing Dungeons and Dragons, would not make me all that powerful, maybe I have enough experience to offer something of value in the world of dining. Plus, waaaaaaayyyyy back in college I wrote the occasional restaurant review for our newspaper (10k + circulation, hey!).
I find myself relying on Local Guides reviews when I travel, and I have noticed quite a few areas where we, as a whole, can get better.
Food
Tell us what is great and be specific (pro tip: this is also the best advice for how to bullet-point your resume). If something is bad, think again about whether you want to make a small business owner’s life worse with your nasty review. This isn’t Yelp. We’re not animals. If they brought you a mealy tomato or a tepid soup, tell your server like a grown up. If it were your restaurant, wouldn’t you rather have customers who have enough respect to give you a chance at handling the problem?
If there’s a lot that’s badly executed, then okay, sure, tell us. But if it’s a sports bar and you are there on playoff night and they forgot to bring the chicken fingers for your kindergartner before the rest of dinner, you know, maybe chill. I know you are paying a lot, but restaurant work is hard. By all means, don’t go back. But are you sure enough that your one experience is not just an oversight from a server with a midterm the next day that can be handled with the survey link on the bottom of your receipt? You really wanna go ahead and plow into their thin profit margins in this public forum?
Our reviews are serious. They matter. We can be a part of the too-common cycle of businesses closing. Dreams dying. Bankruptcies. If you are going to review a place, take it seriously.
Sermon over.
Here are a few specifics to think about:
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Burgers are easy. They are always good. So only tell us when they aren’t. Or tell us when they are exceptionally creative, with ingredients that blow your mind. Think onion jam when you first had it on your burger 6 years ago. Any cheese type you have to look up on your phone. Shaved roasted brussels sprouts. Bone marrow. Seaweed.
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#1 is also true of what we can call the coach and business class of dining options: salads, pizza, sandwiches, tacos, most breakfasts and just about any appetizer that is fried and/or has artichoke dip/beer cheese sauce/salsa.
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Please tell us the coolest thing on the menu that might make this place a destination for us. The corn you roast on an open flame at your table. The Reuben fritters. The spent grain salad with wort dressing. You get the picture. Something that encapsulates the vibe of the menu but saves me downloading the pdf.
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Price is the biggest clutter item in a Google restaurant review, in my experience. Everyone’s take on what reasonable food prices are is different, so your “Too expensive!” doesn’t help us. Maybe I want to impress a client or a date with a $65 duck confit plate. I want to know if this particular steak is worth it, not whether I could get 18 Big Macs for this price.
Drinks
Think about what your hipster beverage nerd friend wants to know. That’s really all we want here.
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Coffee. Tell us the style of typical roast, from light and acidic to black and smoky. Most of us have a preference. Some of us have sensitivity. Just try being a person who gets nauseous at smoky or who gets indigestion from lighter roasts and see if a coffee shop’s website helps.
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Beer. Tell us what’s rare but always there and what’s on the rotating taps right now. “45 taps!” doesn’t help me if 30 of them are bland macro-beers.
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Wine. Tell us about by-the-glass options, prices, and quality. Mostly, solo travelers who aren’t after chugging a bottle of Cab by their lonesome want to know whether a. everything by the glass is a boring grocery-store denizen, or b. everything tastes oxidized.
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Soft drinks. If there are any house-made or local or super weird sodas or lemonades or teas, I need to know. My teenager’s happiness depends on this.
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Cocktails. Focus on sweetness level with some kind of comparison. This and price are usually what people care about. Noting creativity and house-made spirits, tinctures, magic potions and garnishes is great, as well, but I don’t care about any of that if I love a dry cocktail and the bar staff learned their palates at Chili’s.
Ambiance and Appearance
Just post a picture instead. You get points for that anyway, eh?
Do tell us about parking or confusing doors or whatnot, though, please.
Finally, Be Local
Out-of-towner reviews are great. But actual LOCAL Local Guides are more important. I’m thinking of the most useful review I ever read on our platform.
There’s a steakhouse. It is the best in the area. Aged beef. This review explained how the steakhouse changed the way it sourced its beef over time and the problems with that. It suggested that the place was buying cheaper, less-aged steaks because local palates didn’t like them the fancy way, but that the restaurant was still charging the original price. So the suggestion was, if you go, buy a regular steak, not an aged one. The price/value ratio was better on that these days.
That’s what a Local can provide that no one else can, the kind of insider knowledge you can’t get anywhere else. Tap into that when you write.
Let’s all level up.
